The Monkey Chow Diaries

Imagine going to the grocery store only once every 6 months. Imagine paying less than a dollar per meal. Imagine never washing dishes, chopping vegetables or setting the table ever again. It sounds pretty good, doesn't it?

But can a human subsist on a constant diet of pelletized, nutritionally complete food like puppies and monkeys do? For the good of human kind, I'm about to find out. On June 3, 2006, I began my week of eating nothing but monkey chow: "a complete and balanced diet for the nutrition of primates, including the great apes."

Maybe I'll lose weight. Maybe I'll gain superhuman monkey strength. Maybe I'll go crazy. Maybe it's too late. Check back here every day to follow along with the Monkey Chow Diaries. Comments, criticisms, questions and advice can be left on the blog.

I'm tired of cooking. I hate scrubbing pots and pans. I've wasted too much time in the checkout line. It's time to eat chow.

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Day 1

Starting Stats
Height: 5'11"
Weight: 169 lbs
Mood: apprehensive
Poop: normal
Monkey-like Attributes: considerable body hair

Day 1 Video

Notes:
Well, I ended the day with only about 15 kibbles in me (when I get my food scale, this will all sound a little more scientific) which clearly isnt a lot, althought it is very dry food.

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Day 2

Stats
Height: 5'11"
Weight: 169 lbs
Mood: surprisingly optimistic
Poop: pretty smelly
Monkey-like Attributes: just the usual body hair

Day 2 Video

Notes:
Didn't die in my sleep. Actually ate enough chow for breakfast to not feel hungry.

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Day 3

Stats
Height: 5'11"
Weight: 169 lbs
Mood: depleted
Poop: regular, well formed, smells terrible
Monkey-like Attributes: Do monkeys have superhuman olfactory senses? Because I can smell every hamburger barbequed within 5 miles of my house

Day 3 Video

Notes:
I'm dealing with some serious cravings, mostly for hot food. An open-faced turkey sandwich or anything with melted cheese would be awesome right about now.

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Day 4

Stats
Height: 5'11"
Weight: 165 lbs
Mood: a touch manic
Poop: still regular, still smelly
Monkey-like Attributes: moderate desire to fling poop

Day 4 Video

Notes:
50% sure I've contracted monkey chow fever.

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Day 5

Stats
Height: 5'11"
Weight: 164 lbs
Mood: sad
Poop: problematic
Monkey-like Attributes: monkey stink

Day 5 Video

Notes:
Next person who tells me to go 30 days is dead.
Remember to check out the blog

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Day 6

Stats
Height: 5'11"
Weight: 164 lbs
Mood: melancholy
Poop: scarce
Monkey-like Attributes: mild depression (you can see it in their little faces)

Day 6 Video

Notes:

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Day 7!!!!!!!

Stats
Height: 5'11"
Weight: 165 lbs
Mood: anxious and happy
Poop: suspiciously absent
Monkey-like Attributes: shaking the bars to my cage

Day 7 Video

Notes:
This week's video finally addresses the question everyone's been asking... WHY?
Remember to check out the blog

BUY THE LEFTOVER FOOD!