The Monkey Chow Diaries

The Last Angry Young Man Home Get Angry The Big List Anger in Action Monkey Chow Diaries

Imagine going to the grocery store only once every 6 months. Imagine paying less than a dollar per meal. Imagine never washing dishes, chopping vegetables or setting the table ever again. It sounds pretty good, doesn't it? But can a human subsist on a constant diet of pelletized, nutritionally complete food like puppies and monkeys do? For the good of human kind, I'm about to find out. On June 3, 2006, I began my week of eating nothing but monkey chow: "a complete and balanced diet for the nutrition of primates, including the great apes." Maybe I'll lose weight. Maybe I'll gain superhuman monkey strength. Maybe I'll go crazy. Maybe it's too late. Check back here every day to follow along with the Monkey Chow Diaries. Comments, criticisms, questions and advice can be left on the blog. I'm tired of cooking. I hate scrubbing pots and pans. I've wasted too much time in the checkout line. It's time to eat chow. ----------------------------------- Day 1 Starting Stats Height: 5'11" Weight: 169 lbs Mood: apprehensive Poop: normal Monkey-like Attributes: considerable body hair Day 1 Video Notes: Well, I ended the day with only about 15 kibbles in me (when I get my food scale, this will all sound a little more scientific) which clearly isnt a lot, althought it is very dry food. ----------------------------------- Day 2 Stats Height: 5'11" Weight: 169 lbs Mood: surprisingly optimistic Poop: pretty smelly Monkey-like Attributes: just the usual body hair Day 2 Video Notes: Didn't die in my sleep. Actually ate enough chow for breakfast to not feel hungry. ----------------------------------- Day 3 Stats Height: 5'11" Weight: 169 lbs Mood: depleted Poop: regular, well formed, smells terrible Monkey-like Attributes: Do monkeys have superhuman olfactory senses? Because I can smell every hamburger barbequed within 5 miles of my house Day 3 Video Notes: I'm dealing with some serious cravings, mostly for hot food. An open-faced turkey sandwich or anything with melted cheese would be awesome right about now. ----------------------------------- Day 4 Stats Height: 5'11" Weight: 165 lbs Mood: a touch manic Poop: still regular, still smelly Monkey-like Attributes: moderate desire to fling poop Day 4 Video Notes: 50% sure I've contracted monkey chow fever. ----------------------------------- Day 5 Stats Height: 5'11" Weight: 164 lbs Mood: sad Poop: problematic Monkey-like Attributes: monkey stink Day 5 Video Notes: Next person who tells me to go 30 days is dead. Remember to check out the blog ----------------------------------- Day 6 Stats Height: 5'11" Weight: 164 lbs Mood: melancholy Poop: scarce Monkey-like Attributes: mild depression (you can see it in their little faces) Day 6 Video Notes: Worst day yet. Finally realising the full idiocy of this project. Blogger seems to be having some problems today - sorry about the downed comment boards. So instead of me typing, you get video of me on the phone with Steve Johnson at G4TV which is way better. And I did an interview with CBC Radio 3 that is now online ----------------------------------- Day 7!!!!!!! Stats Height: 5'11" Weight: 165 lbs Mood: anxious and happy Poop: suspiciously absent Monkey-like Attributes: shaking the bars to my cage Day 7 Video Notes: This week's video finally addresses the question everyone's been asking... WHY? Remember to check out the blog BUY THE LEFTOVER FOOD!