The Last Angry Young Man

F'ing retarded commercials

2007-04-16T20:18:00.000-07:00

I haven't blogged in about a million years. But something finally happened to make me come back. And it was those F'ing retarded new Viagra commercials. In this series of ads, idiots speak gibberish with "Viagra" as the only recognisable word. Then we get the tag line: “the international language of Viagra.” I can tolerate gibberish for about 2 seconds before I change the channel, so the ads fail instantly with me. More importantly, Viagra is a pill that gives old men boners. How can you screw up the marketing of a pill that gives old men boners? Toronto ad agency Taxi managed with this shit campaign. Here's my Viagra ad campaign, donated to Pfizer out of the goodness of my heart.

We open on an old man frowning. The he takes a pill. Then he smiles. Then we get the tag line "Viagra gives old men boners." End scene.

NBC’s Friday Night Lights

2006-11-14T18:34:00.000-08:00

I’m not incapable of suspension of disbelief. A two hour movie that spans several years doesn’t bother me. I even kinda liked the flying luck-dragon in The Neverending Story, but that’s not the point. If you have a TV show called Friday Night Lights, why on earth would you schedule it for Tuesday night? Yes I can use the TV guide. Yes I can look things up on the Internet. But do you want to put an extra obstacle in front of a lazy ass like me who just wants to watch some mediocre TV?

It's a show about small-town Friday night football that gets aired on a Tuesday. I get that. But what night is Monday Night Football on? Case closed.

Another Day in Arkansas

2006-10-18T11:29:00.000-07:00

Yahoo News is reporting that “a Little Rock man whose SUV was cut off in traffic was arrested after he allegedly shot at a motorist with a crossbow following a brief chase.” It’s an interesting way to express anger, and one that you wouldn’t expect to see outside of the Southern States. In a surprising twist, the suspect was drinking beer rather than moonshine. Do all the normal people in Arkansas (and yes, there are a lot of them) get annoyed when the drunken yahoos perpetuate the negative stereotype? I know I cringe a bit when Canadians give maple syrup or fur hats as gifts.

Been Abused by Collection Agencies?

2006-10-16T15:39:00.000-07:00

A TV producer has contacted me looking for people who have been threatened, harassed, berated or otherwise abused by a collection agency. Have you been mistreated in such a way? Does the prospect of some sweet televised justice excite you? If so, send me your information (use my mailman account) and I will pass it on to my contact. Who knows, you may end up sticking it to those jerks who have been sticking it to you for years.

Myspace: Wow!

2006-10-03T20:38:00.000-07:00

It took Myspace all of 19 minutes to delete from Chad Ronning's blog all the content that he had stolen from me. Big congratulations to everyone at the Myspace Copyright Department for a fast and fair enforcement of their terms and conditions and of copyright law.

User-generated content like you find on Myspace, Youtube and similar sites is the only thing keeping the internet from becoming a weak reproduction of broadcast television. Thieving douchebags like Chad Ronning devalue original internet content.

As a general rule, anyone who wants to use something I've written just has to ask - I'm hardly a copyright nazi. Just show some basic courtesy. Better yet, write your own stuff.

Who would bother to steal my stuff?

2006-10-03T18:17:00.000-07:00

I'm very interested to see how Myspace responds to the letter below sent to their copyright agent. Will they enforce their terms and conditions? Will this Chad Ronning fellow stop stealing my material? Will the 4 people who read his site wonder where all his blog entries went?

I'll let you know if I get a response.
-----------
Dear Myspace,

I am the copyright holder of all materials published on www.angryman.ca, including specifically, the page http://www.angryman.ca/rants.html some of the content of which has been re-published word-for-word on Myspace at http://www.myspace.com/cronning without proper citation, without approval by me, and without attempt to contact me requesting approval.

Specifically, the entire text of blog entries dated October 2, 2006; July 26, 2006; July 23, 2006; July 1, 2006; June 8, 2006; and June 6, 2006 reproduce word-for-word entries from my web page http://www.angryman.ca/rants.html This content, reproduced without permission constitutes the majority of the web log of user 'cronning' (Chad Ronning).

This is in violation of Section 9 of the Myspace terms and conditions http://www.myspace.com/Modules/Common/Pages/TermsConditions.aspx and I request that you remove the offending blog entries from Myspace or, if neccessary, cancel the account of the user.

I certify on penalty of perjury that the above information is true and that I am the holder of the copyright for the material described above.

Sincerely,

Adam Scott

Starbucks Video

2006-08-25T06:31:00.000-07:00

She's cute, she's angry, she's funny. She makes my angry heart go pitter patter.
Check out her video before lawyers take it down.

Blatantly Unprepared Gameshow Contestants

2006-07-31T15:27:00.000-07:00

If you can’t swim, don’t go on Survivor. If you’re afraid of spiders, stay off of Fear Factor. If you’re an idiot, don’t fake your way onto Jeopardy. You’re just embarrassing yourself and taking the opportunity away from more worthy contestants. My old university roommate could list to-the-penny prices of Rice-a-Roni for the years 1982 through to 1999 (adjusted to 1999 dollars) then add up the total and know exactly how far it was above or below the price of a Sunbeam four-slice toaster. But he never got his shot at Price is Right glory because some Hawaiian-shirt wearing dude who can’t guess the price of a Chevy Malibu within $10,000 keeps getting the order to ‘come on down.’ Oh the humanity.

Ski Masks Re-Revisited

2006-07-24T16:04:00.000-07:00

Here's all the proof I need that the world would be a better place if there were no ski masks. Thanks to Pat McN. for the link

Man robs fudge shop wearing women’s underwear as mask

Ski Masks Revisited

2006-07-14T14:14:00.000-07:00

Many of you laughed at me when I put ski masks on the great big list of things that make me angry. Many of you disagreed with my stance that they are a public menace with no redeeming qualities. Many of you thought my campaign to have them renamed “robber masks” was a waste of time. But at least one public official has joined the fight against ski masks (albeit a full year after the campaign began). Los Angeles Police Chief William Bratton has proposed stiffer sentences for criminals who wear ski masks when committing crimes. The chief proposes adding two years or 25 percent of the sentence, whichever is more, for wearing a mask. Thanks to Eric for flagging this

Guys Who "Know Karate"

2006-07-04T18:59:00.000-07:00

Q: Which demographic group gets their asses kicked more than any other? A: Young males who say they know karate.

While many people deserve to be punched in the face, nobody paints the target on themselves quite so distinctly as these guys. Some of them may in fact know some karate, most of them don't, but it hardly matters. Saying "I know karate" in a bar is the equivalent of saying "I'll be right back" in a horror movie. Bad things are about to happen to you. Next time you open your mouth, pour a drink in it.

Monkey Chow Diaries: Origins

2006-06-26T15:37:00.000-07:00

Well, I think this is probably the last post about monkeys for a while. Time to refocus on ranting about things that make me angry, and of course on finding solutions. I thought a fitting end to this project would be to go back to the beginning. The conversation below is culled from the actual emails between me and Scooby that led to me eating monkey food for a week. If you wondered how much forethought and research went into the monkey chow diaries, this is pretty much it.

SCOOBY: This isn't bad, pretty funny... http://www.thesneeze.com/mt-archives/cat_steve_dont_eat_it.php

ANGRYMAN: I love it.

Reminds me of my Monkey Chow idea, where I was going to eat nothing but Monkey Chow (like dog chow but for zoo-kept monkeys) for a week and keep a video or audio journal. CBC turned the idea down, and monkey chow was too expensive for me to do it for free.

SCOOBY: How about The Wheel of Chow? For a week you spin the wheel once every day and where it lands that's the Chow you eat that day...

SCOOBY: Forget my last question, a quick internet search has proven that I know nothing about The wide world of Chow: Rabbit Chow, Hog Chow, Goat Chow, Mink Chow, Monkey Chow, Etc.

ANGRYMAN: Originally I was thinking about the idea of people chow. A perfectly balanced meal in pelletised form that you could buy in a 50 pound bag. The plan was to sell it as an emergency preparedness thing, but then I thought computer geeks who spend 24 hours a day playing Quake would also like the idea - no shopping, no cooking, no cleanup, no dishes. Just 50 pounds of chow once a month. So I started looking into chow.

When I saw monkey chow, I figured it has got to be pretty close to perfect for humans. Zoos take their monkeys pretty seriously, so a monkey chow diet is probably infinitely healthier than the average human diet. Monkeys never have heart attacks. There's even a formula for figuring out exactly how much you need based on how heavy a monkey/person you are (I need 5 lbs a day!).

The cost problem is largely due to shipping + duty. I can't find a Canadian source for monkey chow. I still think the idea has merit. Let me know if you want in on the ground floor either of the People Chow Corporation, or of my documentary: Monkey-size Me.

SCOOBY: I guess things like Ensure or milkshakes for dieting are kinda like People Chow. I love the vid gamer idea, perfect fit, you could even dispense the pellets based on game play at tournaments, that way if you were doing well you would also remain fed, the losers could get weeded out faster from lack of nutrition. You could also sell it to prisons.

ANGRYMAN: I'm disappointed that I didn't even think of prisons. That's a goldmine. For gamers, I think we would have to lace them with caffeine - People Chow X-treme.

SCOOBY: You could tie the marketing for the gamers market into the Matrix trilogy since they ate some kind of people chow on their ships. Military is another market.

ANGRYMAN: Nice. Product placement on Survivor would be good too.

SCOOBY: Ha! Survivor is perfect! Adventure Racers too...

ANGRYMAN: Could it really be that hard to do?

SCOOBY: 1 gram of carbohydrate = 4 calories; 1 gram of protein = 4 calories; 1 gram of fat = 9 calories. Rough recommendation for relative active male is around 2100 - 2500 calories per day, I think.

Let's go fat = 20 %, protein 20%, and carbs 60%, so 20% at 9 calories/gram and 80% at 4 calories/gram. We'll go on the high side since we're both big guys, 2500 cals.

2500 x 80% = 2000 / 4 = 500 grams
2500 x 20% = 500 / 9 = 55 grams
1 grams = 0.00220462262 pounds
So 555 grams = 1.224 lbs.

Monkeys need 100 kcal/kg body weight vs humans 35 kcal/kg body wt, so that is a 1:0.35 ratio
5 lbs x 0.35 = 1.75 lbs

That's pretty close!! So you'd need roughly 1.5 lbs pounds of monkey chow per day. I just saved you from an exploding stomach of monkey chow from trying to cram in 5 lbs!!

ANGRYMAN: Holy shit, you ARE a scientist!!! I too thought 5 pounds was a lot, but was too lazy to research relative metabolic rates. Then I got to thinking that maybe the massive caloric intake was the reason for monkeys' super-human strength. I think I will likely just be eating as much as I can choke down.

Every step of this project is more hilarious than the last. From a website that discourages keeping monkeys as pets in Canada: "If you are caught in any province with illegal possession of a primate it may eventually lead to death for your monkey."

That hardly seems fair, does it?

And the winner is...

2006-06-23T14:12:00.000-07:00

The e-bay auction is now closed, and the bigwinner is Brad! In what I'm told was an attempt to heat up a bidding war and thereby screw over the eventual purchaser, Brad placed a bid of $107.50 and became the eventual purchaser. Brad, keep in mind that you have contributed $107.50 to charity, and if Golden Palace decides that they do in fact want the chow you will have made a very shrewd investment. Brad's wife, keep in mind that you may have married an idiot. And if theres a lumpy gift weighing roughly 12 pounds under the Christmas tree this year, don't even open it.

Chicago Tribune

2006-06-23T14:06:00.000-07:00

A nice article in the Tribune about the Monkey Chow Diaries. While I have previously been told I talk funny, mumble, and sound Canadian, I have never before been described as "heavily accented."

Monkey Food Auction

2006-06-11T14:42:00.000-07:00

At the request of a number of people, I have put the leftover chow up for auction. I know lots of you wanted to buy just one chow, but shipping and transaction costs were going to make that a pain in the arse. I'd rather swing for the fence.

All proceeds will go to World Vision. Maybe there's someone out there who really enjoyed the Diaries and has a lot of cash kicking around. In that case, World Vision will get a lot of cash. Let's hope so.

Day 8 Recap

2006-06-11T08:54:00.000-07:00

So, what was the first meal after 7 days of monkey food? Homemade sausages and organic beer of course.

Technically, the first food I ate was caramel corn, because that's all I had in the house and I knew it would take a while for Scooby, me and Chemical (front to back in the photo below - The Inhibitor is behind the camera) to make the sausages.

And how did I know it would take a long time? Because this is the kind of antic you can expect when drunk guys make sausage. 7 days on the monkey diet, and Chemical still insisted on making a poo joke before I could eat.

My bowels fared much better than Chemi's. No ill effects whatsoever from the return to people food. Maybe the chow diet isn't so bad afterall. And I do still have another 30 pounds...

Day 7 Video

2006-06-09T11:00:00.000-07:00

Day 7 video is up. Sorry that it includes nothing as funny as yesterday's monkey shots for breakfast. Hard to be creative on day 7. I'll try to get some first meal footage tonight. Chief Medical and Science Advisor Scooby has recommended we whip up some home-made sausages. This flies in the face of hundreds of emails I recieved recommending a slow transition. This is exactly why I have Scooby on board.

I'll also post some more thoughts on the experience as my head clears. Overall I feel pretty good today. My mood is improving and pulling my health up with it.

Timeout for Something That Matters

2006-06-08T16:08:00.000-07:00

I've never pretended the Monkey Chow Diaries is about anything other than me amusing myself and anybody else who cared to watch. But in the course of this week, one thing I have grown to understand like never before is how bad hunger sucks.

At the end of the week, I'll be making a donation to Bread for the World. I'm not associated with them in any way, but they do good work that matters. A number of people have said they wanted to donate along with me, so I invite you to give to Bread or anyone else who helps feed people. And feel free to list other worthy food-based charities in the comments section here.

Quick responses to viewer comments

2006-06-08T15:16:00.000-07:00

Looks like blogger is back up, at least partially. So I'll try to get some responses in while I can.

No, I have not picked ticks off friends and eaten them. Eating ants off a stick does however sound more tempting than it ever has before.
I don't even put ketchup on people food, so putting it on monkey food is one of the more stomache churning ideas I've heard. I almost feel like I should congratulate those who suggested it. That's actually the closest I've come to throwing up.
No, I have not increased my vertical leap. If you think white men cant jump, you should see nutritionally deprived white men.
As much as it pains me to admit it, I have been convinced that a big steak after 7 days of barely eating may be yet another dumb idea. I refuse, however, to return to the land of people food by eating a banana. Some melon maybe.

There has been some funny coverage of this bad idea. But my favourite, without a doubt was the interview with Stephen Johnson

I'm tired. My head hurts. And I actually cut my gums on a piece of chow. But the finish line is close. My last people food meal was last Friday dinner at 9pm. So this Friday at 9pm the experiment closes. There will be another diary tomorrow, and hopefully some footage of me on the real food when its over.

Day 6 Video

2006-06-08T08:54:00.000-07:00

Day 6 video is now posted. Thanks to PeeWee in Montreal for the motivational picture shown at the end. Feeling very tired today. Concentrating on water and as much food as I can stomache. Will respond to some more blog comments later today.

Monkey Chow Diaries: Day 6

2006-06-08T08:35:00.000-07:00

Instructions for motivational photos

2006-06-08T06:39:00.000-07:00

Well, here's one more thing I didn't expect: women (plural) sending racey photos of themselves to motivate me through this. This is crazier and more brilliant than any motivational idea I've had this week. The Internet is a weird and wonderful place. In an effort to keep the blog family-friendly, please send any such photos to monkey at angryman dot ca rather than posting them here. I'll need all the help I can get to push through days 6 and 7.

Quick Message to "h"

2006-06-07T21:34:00.000-07:00

Recieved one of the best emails ever from "h" with subject line "Monkey Chow Motivation". Tried to write back but am getting blocked by comcast. Great sense of humour and incredble motivation - please write again.

Day 5 wrap-up

2006-06-07T21:09:00.000-07:00

In one of the more surreal weeks of my life, this was definitely the most surreal day. I’m closing in on 30,000 downloads of the diaries. I did interviews today. INTERVIEWS. Me, the dumbass eating monkey food. I’ll post links as I find them – let me know if you find them first. I’ve never felt so blogged.

I still can’t get over the support people are giving me. I’ve been called a genius and an amazing human being. Wonderful people have offered me home-cooked meals (is everyone in Nebraska so nice?). Women have claimed to find me attractive, with one suspecting she may love me (she might not be eating chow, but she’s clearly on the vodka).

Keeping my ego in check is the fact that I have also been outsmarted by many young children - I should have eaten some fruit. I get it. Back off kids!

The zookeeper, food-science, and monkey-lab technician communities cannot be thanked enough for their sound advice. Who knew?

But most importantly, everyone who has said “keep it up” should know that they are the only reason I have in fact kept it up.

Monkey Chow Diaries: Day 5

2006-06-07T08:54:00.000-07:00

The Day 5 video entry is now up on the Diary page.

I am truly floored by the amount of support I'm getting. Scientists and zooligists in surprising numbers have offered good advice, as have people who spent the five minutes I didn't bother spending to do some basic research. I thank them all. It turns out I have selected a diet that is actually less palatable than what monkeys get. Such is life.