Monkey Chow Diaries: Origins

Well, I think this is probably the last post about monkeys for a while. Time to refocus on ranting about things that make me angry, and of course on finding solutions. I thought a fitting end to this project would be to go back to the beginning. The conversation below is culled from the actual emails between me and Scooby that led to me eating monkey food for a week. If you wondered how much forethought and research went into the monkey chow diaries, this is pretty much it.

SCOOBY: This isn't bad, pretty funny... http://www.thesneeze.com/mt-archives/cat_steve_dont_eat_it.php

ANGRYMAN: I love it.

Reminds me of my Monkey Chow idea, where I was going to eat nothing but Monkey Chow (like dog chow but for zoo-kept monkeys) for a week and keep a video or audio journal. CBC turned the idea down, and monkey chow was too expensive for me to do it for free.

SCOOBY: How about The Wheel of Chow? For a week you spin the wheel once every day and where it lands that's the Chow you eat that day...

SCOOBY: Forget my last question, a quick internet search has proven that I know nothing about The wide world of Chow: Rabbit Chow, Hog Chow, Goat Chow, Mink Chow, Monkey Chow, Etc.

ANGRYMAN: Originally I was thinking about the idea of people chow. A perfectly balanced meal in pelletised form that you could buy in a 50 pound bag. The plan was to sell it as an emergency preparedness thing, but then I thought computer geeks who spend 24 hours a day playing Quake would also like the idea - no shopping, no cooking, no cleanup, no dishes. Just 50 pounds of chow once a month. So I started looking into chow.

When I saw monkey chow, I figured it has got to be pretty close to perfect for humans. Zoos take their monkeys pretty seriously, so a monkey chow diet is probably infinitely healthier than the average human diet. Monkeys never have heart attacks. There's even a formula for figuring out exactly how much you need based on how heavy a monkey/person you are (I need 5 lbs a day!).

The cost problem is largely due to shipping + duty. I can't find a Canadian source for monkey chow. I still think the idea has merit. Let me know if you want in on the ground floor either of the People Chow Corporation, or of my documentary: Monkey-size Me.

SCOOBY: I guess things like Ensure or milkshakes for dieting are kinda like People Chow. I love the vid gamer idea, perfect fit, you could even dispense the pellets based on game play at tournaments, that way if you were doing well you would also remain fed, the losers could get weeded out faster from lack of nutrition. You could also sell it to prisons.

ANGRYMAN: I'm disappointed that I didn't even think of prisons. That's a goldmine. For gamers, I think we would have to lace them with caffeine - People Chow X-treme.

SCOOBY: You could tie the marketing for the gamers market into the Matrix trilogy since they ate some kind of people chow on their ships. Military is another market.

ANGRYMAN: Nice. Product placement on Survivor would be good too.

SCOOBY: Ha! Survivor is perfect! Adventure Racers too...

ANGRYMAN: Could it really be that hard to do?

SCOOBY: 1 gram of carbohydrate = 4 calories; 1 gram of protein = 4 calories; 1 gram of fat = 9 calories. Rough recommendation for relative active male is around 2100 - 2500 calories per day, I think.

Let's go fat = 20 %, protein 20%, and carbs 60%, so 20% at 9 calories/gram and 80% at 4 calories/gram. We'll go on the high side since we're both big guys, 2500 cals.

2500 x 80% = 2000 / 4 = 500 grams
2500 x 20% = 500 / 9 = 55 grams
1 grams = 0.00220462262 pounds
So 555 grams = 1.224 lbs.

Monkeys need 100 kcal/kg body weight vs humans 35 kcal/kg body wt, so that is a 1:0.35 ratio
5 lbs x 0.35 = 1.75 lbs

That's pretty close!! So you'd need roughly 1.5 lbs pounds of monkey chow per day. I just saved you from an exploding stomach of monkey chow from trying to cram in 5 lbs!!

ANGRYMAN: Holy shit, you ARE a scientist!!! I too thought 5 pounds was a lot, but was too lazy to research relative metabolic rates. Then I got to thinking that maybe the massive caloric intake was the reason for monkeys' super-human strength. I think I will likely just be eating as much as I can choke down.

Every step of this project is more hilarious than the last. From a website that discourages keeping monkeys as pets in Canada: "If you are caught in any province with illegal possession of a primate it may eventually lead to death for your monkey."

That hardly seems fair, does it?

And the winner is...

The e-bay auction is now closed, and the bigwinner is Brad! In what I'm told was an attempt to heat up a bidding war and thereby screw over the eventual purchaser, Brad placed a bid of $107.50 and became the eventual purchaser. Brad, keep in mind that you have contributed $107.50 to charity, and if Golden Palace decides that they do in fact want the chow you will have made a very shrewd investment. Brad's wife, keep in mind that you may have married an idiot. And if theres a lumpy gift weighing roughly 12 pounds under the Christmas tree this year, don't even open it.

Chicago Tribune

A nice article in the Tribune about the Monkey Chow Diaries. While I have previously been told I talk funny, mumble, and sound Canadian, I have never before been described as "heavily accented."

Monkey Food Auction

At the request of a number of people, I have put the leftover chow up for auction. I know lots of you wanted to buy just one chow, but shipping and transaction costs were going to make that a pain in the arse. I'd rather swing for the fence.

All proceeds will go to World Vision. Maybe there's someone out there who really enjoyed the Diaries and has a lot of cash kicking around. In that case, World Vision will get a lot of cash. Let's hope so.

Day 8 Recap

So, what was the first meal after 7 days of monkey food? Homemade sausages and organic beer of course.

Technically, the first food I ate was caramel corn, because that's all I had in the house and I knew it would take a while for Scooby, me and Chemical (front to back in the photo below - The Inhibitor is behind the camera) to make the sausages.

And how did I know it would take a long time? Because this is the kind of antic you can expect when drunk guys make sausage. 7 days on the monkey diet, and Chemical still insisted on making a poo joke before I could eat.

My bowels fared much better than Chemi's. No ill effects whatsoever from the return to people food. Maybe the chow diet isn't so bad afterall. And I do still have another 30 pounds...

Day 7 Video

Day 7 video is up. Sorry that it includes nothing as funny as yesterday's monkey shots for breakfast. Hard to be creative on day 7. I'll try to get some first meal footage tonight. Chief Medical and Science Advisor Scooby has recommended we whip up some home-made sausages. This flies in the face of hundreds of emails I recieved recommending a slow transition. This is exactly why I have Scooby on board.

I'll also post some more thoughts on the experience as my head clears. Overall I feel pretty good today. My mood is improving and pulling my health up with it.

Timeout for Something That Matters

I've never pretended the Monkey Chow Diaries is about anything other than me amusing myself and anybody else who cared to watch. But in the course of this week, one thing I have grown to understand like never before is how bad hunger sucks.

At the end of the week, I'll be making a donation to Bread for the World. I'm not associated with them in any way, but they do good work that matters. A number of people have said they wanted to donate along with me, so I invite you to give to Bread or anyone else who helps feed people. And feel free to list other worthy food-based charities in the comments section here.

Quick responses to viewer comments

Looks like blogger is back up, at least partially. So I'll try to get some responses in while I can.

• No, I have not picked ticks off friends and eaten them. Eating ants off a stick does however sound more tempting than it ever has before.
• I don't even put ketchup on people food, so putting it on monkey food is one of the more stomache churning ideas I've heard. I almost feel like I should congratulate those who suggested it. That's actually the closest I've come to throwing up.
• No, I have not increased my vertical leap. If you think white men cant jump, you should see nutritionally deprived white men.
• As much as it pains me to admit it, I have been convinced that a big steak after 7 days of barely eating may be yet another dumb idea. I refuse, however, to return to the land of people food by eating a banana. Some melon maybe.

There has been some funny coverage of this bad idea. But my favourite, without a doubt was the interview with Stephen Johnson

I'm tired. My head hurts. And I actually cut my gums on a piece of chow. But the finish line is close. My last people food meal was last Friday dinner at 9pm. So this Friday at 9pm the experiment closes. There will be another diary tomorrow, and hopefully some footage of me on the real food when its over.

Day 6 Video

Day 6 video is now posted. Thanks to PeeWee in Montreal for the motivational picture shown at the end. Feeling very tired today. Concentrating on water and as much food as I can stomache. Will respond to some more blog comments later today.

Monkey Chow Diaries: Day 6

Day 6 video is now posted. Thanks to PeeWee in Montreal for the motivational picture shown at the end. Feeling very tired today. Concentrating on water and as much food as I can stomache. Will respond to some more blog comments later today.

Instructions for motivational photos

Well, here's one more thing I didn't expect: women (plural) sending racey photos of themselves to motivate me through this. This is crazier and more brilliant than any motivational idea I've had this week. The Internet is a weird and wonderful place. In an effort to keep the blog family-friendly, please send any such photos to monkey at angryman dot ca rather than posting them here. I'll need all the help I can get to push through days 6 and 7.

Quick Message to "h"

Recieved one of the best emails ever from "h" with subject line "Monkey Chow Motivation". Tried to write back but am getting blocked by comcast. Great sense of humour and incredble motivation - please write again.

Day 5 wrap-up

In one of the more surreal weeks of my life, this was definitely the most surreal day. I’m closing in on 30,000 downloads of the diaries. I did interviews today. INTERVIEWS. Me, the dumbass eating monkey food. I’ll post links as I find them – let me know if you find them first. I’ve never felt so blogged.

I still can’t get over the support people are giving me. I’ve been called a genius and an amazing human being. Wonderful people have offered me home-cooked meals (is everyone in Nebraska so nice?). Women have claimed to find me attractive, with one suspecting she may love me (she might not be eating chow, but she’s clearly on the vodka).

Keeping my ego in check is the fact that I have also been outsmarted by many young children - I should have eaten some fruit. I get it. Back off kids!

The zookeeper, food-science, and monkey-lab technician communities cannot be thanked enough for their sound advice. Who knew?

But most importantly, everyone who has said “keep it up” should know that they are the only reason I have in fact kept it up.

Monkey Chow Diaries: Day 5

The Day 5 video entry is now up on the Diary page.

I am truly floored by the amount of support I'm getting. Scientists and zooligists in surprising numbers have offered good advice, as have people who spent the five minutes I didn't bother spending to do some basic research. I thank them all. It turns out I have selected a diet that is actually less palatable than what monkeys get. Such is life.

More Monkey Chow Chat

Well, I'm thrilled to see all the comments and questions. Frankly, if nobody cared, I probably would have quit by now. A personal test of willpower, that's one thing, but delighting others with my self-imposed agony, well that's a whole different story. I'll try to respond to everyone's questions and comments via the blog.

• The first thing I will be doing when this is over is eating a large steak and drinking a glass of milk.
• The chow/coffee/vodka smoothie is a brilliant idea and currently under consideration.
• Yes, I use a bowl to soak the chow in and I drink from a mug. That's pretty minimalistic, so I don't consider it outside the rules. Anyone who disagrees can take it up with the rules committee of the International Monkey Chow Federation.
• Somebody did a lot of research into all the nasty things that can appear in animal food in general. I'm not a scientist. Even my health and science advisor (the aforementioned Scooby who talked me into this) isn't a scientist. So I don't know much about chemicals and diseased meats. My theory is that monkeys are almost people, so monkey food is almost people food. Science is over-rated.
• No, neither Leno nor Letterman have contacted me. Not sure I would go anyway - I hate that airplane food.
• A post from a guy named "random biologist" actually reassured me a bit about the viability of the diet. I've placed my life in the hands of an anonymous internet user. What could go wrong?
• Lots of people are suggesting I eat some fruit, which I agree is a good idea. But do I seem like the kind of guy who pursues good ideas?

That's it for now. I'll answer some more tomorrow. Time to crunch into some MC.

Monkey Chow Fact Sheet

Here's a link to all the Monkey Chow official stats (pdf). I note that the product description now specifies "non-human" primates. I swear to god that wasn't there before. In fairness to the company, it's not the kind of thing you should have to say.

Any biologists out there who can analyse the chow stats and comment on suitability for humans?

Monkey Chow Diaries: Day 4

The Day 4 video is now posted.

I want to take a minute to answer some questions or clear up some issues that people have raised.

• I have started soaking the chow in water, as suggested by some people. Apparently this is something zoos do for old monkeys who can't eat hard chow, so i think it falls within the spirit of my experiment.
• Someone also suggested microwaving the chow in a damp paper towel. I might try this afterwards just for kicks, but I think it counts as "cooking" which is one of the tasks I want to avoid this week.
• Crushing the chow with a rock was another suggestion. I wouldn't consider that cooking, and it certainly falls within possible monkey behaviour. I'll give it a try.
• No, it is not diet monkey chow. It is monkey chow diet. When monkeys need to lose weight, they are simply given less chow.
• There is no contradiction between fearing the "animal fat" listed in the ingredients yet craving burgers. If a burger was shipped to me from the Southern US in a brown paper bag and then sat on my living room floor for three weeks, I would be afraid of the burger too.
• My poop is soft rather than brick-like. No I will not be taking pictures of it.
• Dan L raised the issue of how much I should be eating. This was the subject of much discussion between me and the guy who goaded me into the experiment (thanks Scooby). Following the product instructions (1 lb of chow per 35 lbs of monkey), I would be eating about 4.5 lbs per day. This would be an absurd amount of food, around 10,000 calories. I'm targetting 1lb per day and even that is tough to stomache.
• Yes, I would like to eat a banana.

ACSH Monkey Chow Story

The American Council on Science and Health has picked up the monkey chow story. The thoughtful observations of Dr. Ruth Kava and Jeff Stier bring a lot to the monkey chow experiment. They, in their intelligent way, and I, in my buffoonish way, are looking at some really interesting questions. Questions that I, as a pretty lean guy, have never had to address: Why do I eat what I eat? If I was fat, could I lose the weight? Do food advertisements have an impact on me?

I'm learning a lot about my personal relationship with food and about our society's relationship with food. My perspective on diet, dieting and health has changed dramatically. The next time someone tells me french fries make them happy, I'll know what they mean.

Monkey Chow Diaries: Day 3

The third video diary entry is now available on the Monkey Chow main page. After 3 days of chow, what is my biggest problem? Hint: it's poop related.

Monkey Chow Diaries: Day2

The Day 2 video diary is up at the Monkey Chow page and the Day 3 entry should be up soon. The authors of Freakonomics, who are well known for looking at things through interesting lenses, have linked to the Monkey Chow Diaries through their blog. Thanks fellas.

Monkey Chow Diaries: Day 1

The Day 1 video has been added to the Monkey Chow Diaries page. You can leave comments here.