Monkey Chow Diaries: Origins
Well, I think this is probably the last post about monkeys for a while. Time to refocus on ranting about things that make me angry, and of course on finding solutions. I thought a fitting end to this project would be to go back to the beginning. The conversation below is culled from the actual emails between me and Scooby that led to me eating monkey food for a week. If you wondered how much forethought and research went into the monkey chow diaries, this is pretty much it.
SCOOBY: This isn't bad, pretty funny... http://www.thesneeze.com/mt-archives/cat_steve_dont_eat_it.php
ANGRYMAN: I love it.
Reminds me of my Monkey Chow idea, where I was going to eat nothing but Monkey Chow (like dog chow but for zoo-kept monkeys) for a week and keep a video or audio journal. CBC turned the idea down, and monkey chow was too expensive for me to do it for free.
SCOOBY: How about The Wheel of Chow? For a week you spin the wheel once every day and where it lands that's the Chow you eat that day...
SCOOBY: Forget my last question, a quick internet search has proven that I know nothing about The wide world of Chow: Rabbit Chow, Hog Chow, Goat Chow, Mink Chow, Monkey Chow, Etc.
ANGRYMAN: Originally I was thinking about the idea of people chow. A perfectly balanced meal in pelletised form that you could buy in a 50 pound bag. The plan was to sell it as an emergency preparedness thing, but then I thought computer geeks who spend 24 hours a day playing Quake would also like the idea - no shopping, no cooking, no cleanup, no dishes. Just 50 pounds of chow once a month. So I started looking into chow.
When I saw monkey chow, I figured it has got to be pretty close to perfect for humans. Zoos take their monkeys pretty seriously, so a monkey chow diet is probably infinitely healthier than the average human diet. Monkeys never have heart attacks. There's even a formula for figuring out exactly how much you need based on how heavy a monkey/person you are (I need 5 lbs a day!).
The cost problem is largely due to shipping + duty. I can't find a Canadian source for monkey chow. I still think the idea has merit. Let me know if you want in on the ground floor either of the People Chow Corporation, or of my documentary: Monkey-size Me.
SCOOBY: I guess things like Ensure or milkshakes for dieting are kinda like People Chow. I love the vid gamer idea, perfect fit, you could even dispense the pellets based on game play at tournaments, that way if you were doing well you would also remain fed, the losers could get weeded out faster from lack of nutrition. You could also sell it to prisons.
ANGRYMAN: I'm disappointed that I didn't even think of prisons. That's a goldmine. For gamers, I think we would have to lace them with caffeine - People Chow X-treme.
SCOOBY: You could tie the marketing for the gamers market into the Matrix trilogy since they ate some kind of people chow on their ships. Military is another market.
ANGRYMAN: Nice. Product placement on Survivor would be good too.
SCOOBY: Ha! Survivor is perfect! Adventure Racers too...
ANGRYMAN: Could it really be that hard to do?
SCOOBY: 1 gram of carbohydrate = 4 calories; 1 gram of protein = 4 calories; 1 gram of fat = 9 calories. Rough recommendation for relative active male is around 2100 - 2500 calories per day, I think.
Let's go fat = 20 %, protein 20%, and carbs 60%, so 20% at 9 calories/gram and 80% at 4 calories/gram. We'll go on the high side since we're both big guys, 2500 cals.
2500 x 80% = 2000 / 4 = 500 grams
2500 x 20% = 500 / 9 = 55 grams
1 grams = 0.00220462262 pounds
So 555 grams = 1.224 lbs.
Monkeys need 100 kcal/kg body weight vs humans 35 kcal/kg body wt, so that is a 1:0.35 ratio
5 lbs x 0.35 = 1.75 lbs
That's pretty close!! So you'd need roughly 1.5 lbs pounds of monkey chow per day. I just saved you from an exploding stomach of monkey chow from trying to cram in 5 lbs!!
ANGRYMAN: Holy shit, you ARE a scientist!!! I too thought 5 pounds was a lot, but was too lazy to research relative metabolic rates. Then I got to thinking that maybe the massive caloric intake was the reason for monkeys' super-human strength. I think I will likely just be eating as much as I can choke down.
Every step of this project is more hilarious than the last. From a website that discourages keeping monkeys as pets in Canada: "If you are caught in any province with illegal possession of a primate it may eventually lead to death for your monkey."
That hardly seems fair, does it?
SCOOBY: This isn't bad, pretty funny... http://www.thesneeze.com/mt-archives/cat_steve_dont_eat_it.php
ANGRYMAN: I love it.
Reminds me of my Monkey Chow idea, where I was going to eat nothing but Monkey Chow (like dog chow but for zoo-kept monkeys) for a week and keep a video or audio journal. CBC turned the idea down, and monkey chow was too expensive for me to do it for free.
SCOOBY: How about The Wheel of Chow? For a week you spin the wheel once every day and where it lands that's the Chow you eat that day...
SCOOBY: Forget my last question, a quick internet search has proven that I know nothing about The wide world of Chow: Rabbit Chow, Hog Chow, Goat Chow, Mink Chow, Monkey Chow, Etc.
ANGRYMAN: Originally I was thinking about the idea of people chow. A perfectly balanced meal in pelletised form that you could buy in a 50 pound bag. The plan was to sell it as an emergency preparedness thing, but then I thought computer geeks who spend 24 hours a day playing Quake would also like the idea - no shopping, no cooking, no cleanup, no dishes. Just 50 pounds of chow once a month. So I started looking into chow.
When I saw monkey chow, I figured it has got to be pretty close to perfect for humans. Zoos take their monkeys pretty seriously, so a monkey chow diet is probably infinitely healthier than the average human diet. Monkeys never have heart attacks. There's even a formula for figuring out exactly how much you need based on how heavy a monkey/person you are (I need 5 lbs a day!).
The cost problem is largely due to shipping + duty. I can't find a Canadian source for monkey chow. I still think the idea has merit. Let me know if you want in on the ground floor either of the People Chow Corporation, or of my documentary: Monkey-size Me.
SCOOBY: I guess things like Ensure or milkshakes for dieting are kinda like People Chow. I love the vid gamer idea, perfect fit, you could even dispense the pellets based on game play at tournaments, that way if you were doing well you would also remain fed, the losers could get weeded out faster from lack of nutrition. You could also sell it to prisons.
ANGRYMAN: I'm disappointed that I didn't even think of prisons. That's a goldmine. For gamers, I think we would have to lace them with caffeine - People Chow X-treme.
SCOOBY: You could tie the marketing for the gamers market into the Matrix trilogy since they ate some kind of people chow on their ships. Military is another market.
ANGRYMAN: Nice. Product placement on Survivor would be good too.
SCOOBY: Ha! Survivor is perfect! Adventure Racers too...
ANGRYMAN: Could it really be that hard to do?
SCOOBY: 1 gram of carbohydrate = 4 calories; 1 gram of protein = 4 calories; 1 gram of fat = 9 calories. Rough recommendation for relative active male is around 2100 - 2500 calories per day, I think.
Let's go fat = 20 %, protein 20%, and carbs 60%, so 20% at 9 calories/gram and 80% at 4 calories/gram. We'll go on the high side since we're both big guys, 2500 cals.
2500 x 80% = 2000 / 4 = 500 grams
2500 x 20% = 500 / 9 = 55 grams
1 grams = 0.00220462262 pounds
So 555 grams = 1.224 lbs.
Monkeys need 100 kcal/kg body weight vs humans 35 kcal/kg body wt, so that is a 1:0.35 ratio
5 lbs x 0.35 = 1.75 lbs
That's pretty close!! So you'd need roughly 1.5 lbs pounds of monkey chow per day. I just saved you from an exploding stomach of monkey chow from trying to cram in 5 lbs!!
ANGRYMAN: Holy shit, you ARE a scientist!!! I too thought 5 pounds was a lot, but was too lazy to research relative metabolic rates. Then I got to thinking that maybe the massive caloric intake was the reason for monkeys' super-human strength. I think I will likely just be eating as much as I can choke down.
Every step of this project is more hilarious than the last. From a website that discourages keeping monkeys as pets in Canada: "If you are caught in any province with illegal possession of a primate it may eventually lead to death for your monkey."
That hardly seems fair, does it?
posted by angryman at 3:37 PM
14 Comments:
now see, i would have thought copious amounts of alcohol would have been involved with this idea.
thanks for sharing the origins. i now see that your are crazier than i first thought. ;)
I love this breadcrumb trail of thought! I'm still waiting for Monkey Chow X-treme until I try it!
I know you Canadians are a wierd group, because I stumbled upon this a few yeras ago:
Ban on Dwarf Tossing
Not that being odd is a bad thing, it's often amusing.
Maybe they feed the monkeys 5lb of food per day so that the bears get a better chow.
monkey = bearChow
Bear eats monkey at Dutch Zoo in front of public.
http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,195519,00.html
If you're looking for something to get angry about, how's about your pathetic command of the English language?
Reading through your pointless rants, one can't help but feel one's blood pressure rising with each error that not even a first-grader would have the stupidity to make.
Be angry at yourself instead of others. Then go back to school. You might even merit a better job than the blue collar gravel-shovelling one you currently have. Or are you even employed at all?
I shudder to think what non-Canadians must think when they read your freaking drivel.
Loser.
My my, who would have thought this website would attract such angry people? Why so angry? And why are the angry people always anonymous?
Incidentally, who the hell uses a phrase like "how's about" when lodging a formal rant about someone else's command of English? Are you serious??
However, I guess you are to be commended: anyone I've ever met who talks like that wouldn't know their way around a keyboard enough to be able to actually type it. Congratulations on coming down from the mountain long enough to power up your hand-made wood computer on "the grid" and enlighten us with your oh-so-witty 2 cents worth. Now run off to your banjo practice, and next time project your misplaced aggression on your farm animals.
No! Leave the poor farm animals alone! By the way, I think he/she DID sign the post-- their name is "Loser", right?
I love your idea for people chow. Dieters are another group that it would appeal to, especially if it were fairly tasteless and they could eat large quantities.
And school children. I went to a state-run institution and I'm sure the "pizza" I ate was not nearly as nutritious as some child-size portion of people chow.
Would there perhaps be one that, with water added, became a gravy-soaked mess? Remember the dog food that did that? Gross in theory, but could be quite tasty and a nice variation on people chow.
I do fear certain "anonymous" readers with a few grammar problems might think "people chow" and then think *Soylent Green.*
I can see two other advantages to "People Chow". Firstly that you don't have to worry about what you eat (providing it's a perfectly balanced meal). Secondly it would be a great food for third world countries. Just dump some People Chow and some water filters and you're done.
Monkey Chow, how I love thee. I work at as a research assistant and to earn a little extra money as I work on my PhD, I decided to become our lab monkey feeder. The species is cotton-top tamarins and they do indeed eat monkey chow. But here is the thing, it's not all they eat. A only monkey chow diet would just bore them so we use treats, like sunflower seeds, peanuts, grapes, raisins, bananas, etc. But never kiwis, as they are allergic.
The monkey chow diet for humans could work with minor modifications. I haven't read all your stuff so forgive me if I'm redundant here, but here we go: First soak the pellets sometimes, that makes them a little bit easier to handle. And for a special occasions, soak them in juice! Yay, juice is fun! Also, always eat some fresh fruit and a bit of raw broccoli or whatever. This should help with the stool. Next, two or three times a week break out the canned monkey chow. A nice change. And, finally, every Sunday or whatever get some of alpo's select cuts for dogs. Humans aren't like other primates, we've been eating meat for at least 1-2 million year and probably longer, so you need to get some of that once in a while. And remember, in many states, food isn't taxed so make sure they know you'll be eating it.
These modifications should provide a complete balanced diet and be deliciously exciting. You should be able to keep the budget down as well. And, just so you know, I've indeed eat monkey chow, both canned and dry.
Oh sorry. If you'd like to contact me, I'd be happy to start a new project with the diet detailed above. Just email:
popec [at] umich [dot] edu
Later,
Cody
Steve, Read your Monkey Chow Diary page,checked out your site and Loved the Monkey Chow Diaries videos! I have a pet monkey and a web site about primates. I would love to link to your site. You can email me at Primatesaspets@aol.com and let me know if it's ok. Thanks for the Laugh, Hope you're feeling better. Lori
you can check out my site at: www.primatesaspets.com
It's not that surprising that monkeys need nearly 3x the energy per unit body mass that people do, considering that in general smaller animals have faster metabolisms than larger animals. When was the last time you went swinging from tree to tree?
Some form of "People Chow" as emergency rations is a pretty good idea though. The problem with liquid stuff like Ensure is that the cans are really heavy.
Going back to your original topic of humans eating pet food, regular cat food doesn't taste like whatever flavour it says on the bag, but the expensive hippy organic stuff does. (I'm only buying it because I'm staff at a vet school and get a massive discount.) California Natural's Herring & Sweet Potato tastes so much like the fish crackers we have back home in Southeast Asia that I had to stop myself from eating more than one piece.
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