Vegas Results

1. Under – flight delays of three hours total
2. Under – only one complaint registered as all 3 hours were for one leg of the trip and the only thing that bothered me was the Captain’s excuses
3. Under – Shocking, I know, but only 2 compulsive activities. One was gambling.
4. Over – Hallelujah, the Flamingo has an included gratuity of $0 for room service. No more tricking you into tipping twice, which interestingly enough led me to tip far more than I would have otherwise.
5. Under – only 20% of meals eaten at buffets. Many of you seem to have forgotten that in the land of fat gluttons, every meal is all-you-can-eat for an average sized person. Even some kids menu entrees could fill me to bursting.
6. Under – I timed my few buffet meals to odd hours to avoid line-ups. Because I know the omelette line too well, and it really does drive me nuts.
7. Over - $338 dollars over to be precise. And that doesn’t include all the comps. You doubters.
8. Under - $65 dollars under. Perhaps the worst thing that can happen to your gambling results is to win on your first pull of a slot machine on your first day of an 8 day trip to Vegas. The “lucky” machine hosed me on each subsequent day.
9. Under – Wonderboogie is no longer performing at Harrah’s (right next to my hotel) and is instead playing some place I had never heard of. Harrah’s management couldn’t “comprehend” the artistic value of my renditions of Wonderboogie’s renditions of hits from the 70s performed in the lobby.
10. Under - Got away scott free at customs. Even snuck in some beef jerky (in my carry on, not in an orifice).

So in a close race, Probst wins based on his slightly less pessimistic estimate of my gambling wins!!! Good job buddy. $13.65 (US) is coming your way.

Play Along with Angryman in Vegas

The Angryman is on his way to Las Vegas, and you can join in the fun. Below is the over/under sheet for my trip. For those not familiar with over/under, the goal is to predict whether I will go over or under the number provided for each line below. Click “comments” to give your predictions (“1. under 2. over 3. under” etc.). Winner gets a 5% share of all my gambling winnings (with no downside in the event of an overall loss). Relevant info: Depart Oct 22 and return Oct 30. Flights are Ottawa – Chicago – LV – Chicago – Ottawa. Five days will be spent in conference sessions and meetings on official business.

Over/Under

1. Total hours of flight delay for trip: 5
   
2. Number of airline employees I will advise of my dissatisfaction: 3
   
3. Number of activities I will partake in at levels that could be considered compulsive: 3
   
4. Percentage I will tip room service beyond the gratuity already added to the bill: 4
   
5. Percentage of meals eaten a la buffet: 50
   
6. Number of times I will get frustrated by the lineup for custom omelettes and instead fill an entire plate with breakfast sausages: 1
   
7. Dollars I will win playing poker: 0
   
8. Non-poker gambling winnings: 0
   
9. Total performances by Wonderboogie (the greatest band ever) I will attend: 2
   
10. Number of orifices inspected by customs agents upon my return to Canada: 1
    Tie Breaker.
    Predict my net gains or losses for all gambling undertakings.

In the event of a tie, we go to the tie-breaker, in the event of a tie-breaker tie (Price is Right rules are NOT in effect) a winner will be chosen at random from the best prognosticators.

Sue Thomas F.B.Eye

First, let me say that the real Sue Thomas, a deaf woman who works for the FBI is by all accounts a talented and fascinating woman. But then let me quickly say that the TV show based on her experiences, Sue Thomas F.B.Eye is F-ing horrible. Some talents just aren’t interesting to watch. Who thought lip reading would make for compelling drama week after week? OK, great, she read the terrorist’s lips and saved the day...again. I strongly suspect that the producers came up with the lame pun of a title and worked backwards from there to develop a show. Maybe I’m just bitter because the networks didn’t pick up my pilot episode of Stevie Johnson “Special” Agent in which a mentally handicapped Secret Service agent saves the President’s life every week through a series of wacky misadventures. Yay Stevie!!!

Dumb things to say: Young At Heart

“Young at heart” qualifies as a dumb thing to say just by being overly cutesy. People who organise craft fairs or wear sweatshirts with kittens on them use this phrase a lot. But beyond being gratuitously cutesy, it’s also grossly misleading. When you say young at heart, you mean OLD. Why are you using three words (one of them being “young”) when three letters O-L-D will do? If you ever find yourself tempted to use “young at heart,” ask yourself if OLD is not only shorter, but also more accurate. Better yet, since your all-encompassing language adds little to your sentence, consider omitting references to age altogether.
For example:
Craft fairs are fun for both the young and the young at heart.
Is better said:
Craft fairs are fun for young and old.
Or better yet:
Craft fairs are fucking retarded.

Anger in the news: Animal Poo

Turns out I'm not the only person looking at the issue of controlling animal waste. Professor Steve Levitt has a possible solution that involves DNA testing. I have a possible solution that involves me squatting on pet owners' doorsteps.